Before you go putting any stock into the latest bit of scholarship describing the "end of men," ask yourself this: Will a vibrator get out of bed in the middle of the night to check out a scary noise? It will not. That technology is still years away.
Last week my husband and I were kissing passionately in bed. He tried to maneuver himself under me. "I don't want to be on top," I told him, "it hurts my hip." (sciatica) "But I don't want to be on top," he told me, "it hurts my elbow." (tendinitis) "WE ARE OLD," I told him.
I went to lunch on Saturday and the waitress asked me if I wanted her to "Cheese down my lasagna." There are two things very wrong with this and they are 1) Cheese is not a verb and 2) CHEESE IS NOT A VERB.
I am 34 years old. I have been wearing mascara for roughly 20 years now. I would say I apply mascara at least 360 days of the year. That allows for 72,000 mascara applications (I'm not even counting the days when I reapply or go out at night and put it on twice in one day). I would think that this would be enough applications that I am able to do it without poking myself in the eye with the mascara wand. I would be wrong to think that.
Seriously. I've tried: Putting it out on the curb empty. Putting it out on the curb empty with other full trash cans around it. Putting it out on the curb upside down. Putting a sign in front of it that said "Trash". The sign was taken, the can was not. Taping a sign to it that said "Trash". The sign was taken, the can was not. Putting it inside a larger trash can. Putting it on its side on the curb with trash bags on top of it. Putting it in a trash bag, as much of it as I could fit in there. Running after the garbage truck, with the can over my head, shrieking at the top of my lungs, "Why do you mock me?!? Take my trashcan!" resulting in the garbage truck peeling off and my neighbors being pissed at me that none of their trash got picked up that day.
I opened my eyes to see her looking at me so intently. She was taking in every angle of my face as if trying to memorize every line. It took my breath away to realize how closely she watches me, how often she copies what I say or do, and how much we love each other. There is an incredible bond that exists between mothers and daughters.
She held my face in her hands for a few more seconds and gently said, "Mama?"
When you're dating, the quality of the relationship is equal to the amount of time you spend together, and more is better. When you've been married for a few years, the quality of the relationship becomes equal to the amount of time you spend apart, and again, more is better.
I envy people who look sweat-less and composed in warm weather. When I was in high school, our gym class had to run around the track in the spring. My face would turn bright red as soon as we stepped outside. The teacher told me it was because I had a great internal cooling system. I'm still waiting to reap the benefits of my internal greatness.
Things I hate more than cleaning behind the refrigerator:
1. sticking toothpicks in my eyeballs 2. playing "chicken" with fire ants 3. drinking vegetable oil 4. that classic game "how many crickets can you eat?" 5. the congressmen indicting Jack Bauer 6. discussing curfews with a 14 year old
Whenever I go barefoot in the house, my feet seem to be magically attracted to anything on the floor that shouldn't be there, like needles, thorns, teeny pieces of glass, staples...If something little is lost, I know all I need to do is take off my shoes, and I'll find it in no time. Who needs a metal detector when I have foot-radar?
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