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I am 34 years old. I have been wearing mascara for roughly 20 years now. I would say I apply mascara at least 360 days of the year. That allows for 72,000 mascara applications (I'm not even counting the days when I reapply or go out at night and put it on twice in one day). I would think that this would be enough applications that I am able to do it without poking myself in the eye with the mascara wand. I would be wrong to think that.

~Be Careful What You Wish For

I always wonder why it is so easy to get out of bed at 5 am to go fishing, but it is so difficult to get up at 5 am to go to work.

~Wizard of Otin

You really know you're nearing forty if someone asks, "Is that a tattoo?" and you reply, "No, it's a spider vein."

~Momo Fali

How the fuck do you throw away a trashcan?

Seriously. I've tried: Putting it out on the curb empty. Putting it out on the curb empty with other full trash cans around it. Putting it out on the curb upside down. Putting a sign in front of it that said "Trash". The sign was taken, the can was not. Taping a sign to it that said "Trash". The sign was taken, the can was not. Putting it inside a larger trash can. Putting it on its side on the curb with trash bags on top of it. Putting it in a trash bag, as much of it as I could fit in there. Running after the garbage truck, with the can over my head, shrieking at the top of my lungs, "Why do you mock me?!? Take my trashcan!" resulting in the garbage truck peeling off and my neighbors being pissed at me that none of their trash got picked up that day.

I may just have to take a chainsaw to it.

~Avitable

2009 has gone down around here about as smoothly as pea gravel pancakes and we're ready to wave bye-bye to spring, no matter how many flushes it takes.

~Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder

Why do the words "chauffeur" and "chaperon" sound so romantic and lovely with their whooshy 'sh' sounds? In actuality they are a steaming pile of parental nightmare chit.

~Pajamas and Coffee

My son has decided that sleep isn't necessary, which means my mind has concluded that forming complete sentences is also not mandatory.

~Interstitial Life

Wearing thong underwear makes as much sense as using a strip of scotch tape instead of a baggie to protect your sandwich.

~Ungirdled Passion

Kids today have no respect for real music... The Jonas Brothers should have to do a fucking internship for Manowar in order to be allowed to live.

~Out-Numbered

I opened my eyes to see her looking at me so intently. She was taking in every angle of my face as if trying to memorize every line. It took my breath away to realize how closely she watches me, how often she copies what I say or do, and how much we love each other. There is an incredible bond that exists between mothers and daughters.

She held my face in her hands for a few more seconds and gently said, "Mama?"

"Yes, baby?"

"You have a big hair growing out of your chin."

~Big Mama

When you're dating, the quality of the relationship is equal to the amount of time you spend together, and more is better. When you've been married for a few years, the quality of the relationship becomes equal to the amount of time you spend apart, and again, more is better.

~Aria'z Ink

I envy people who look sweat-less and composed in warm weather. When I was in high school, our gym class had to run around the track in the spring. My face would turn bright red as soon as we stepped outside. The teacher told me it was because I had a great internal cooling system. I'm still waiting to reap the benefits of my internal greatness.

~Frogs in My Formula

Things I hate more than cleaning behind the refrigerator:

1. sticking toothpicks in my eyeballs
2. playing "chicken" with fire ants
3. drinking vegetable oil
4. that classic game "how many crickets can
    you eat?"
5. the congressmen indicting Jack Bauer
6. discussing curfews with a 14 year old

Did I miss anything?

~Is It Just Me?

Whenever I go barefoot in the house, my feet seem to be magically attracted to anything on the floor that shouldn't be there, like needles, thorns, teeny pieces of glass, staples...If something little is lost, I know all I need to do is take off my shoes, and I'll find it in no time. Who needs a metal detector when I have foot-radar?

~May You Lead An Interesting Life

I know that we call it "mating" socks when folding them into pairs. But, I'm just a little uncomfortable with it. I mean, really, do we ever expect to unfold a pair of "mated" socks and find a little baby sock inside?!?

~Crazee Scotts

When you've been married for almost 10 years you know that when your husband asks you to be on top so he can watch you what he really means is he's feeling lazy and his belly's full of chips and salsa.

~Yellow Trash Diaries

How to tell when your writing career has completely stalled: You have started putting your byline on the grocery lists.

~Suburban Kamikaze

I'm convinced toddler ears are tuned to a special frequency that allows them to hear the opening of a package of candy from anywhere in the house.

~Momma Says

What's the difference between love and hemorrhoids? Hemorrhoids last forever.

~Mothergoosemouse

Getting your husband to ask for directions to the Grand Canyon is like asking him to fork over his penis. Getting him to admit he's actually lost is like asking him to fork over his penis but not before sprinkling it with glitter, wrapping it up in a bright, red, shiny bow, placing it on a silver platter and presenting it to you while singing karaoke to Don't Cry For Me, Argentina.

~The Creative Junkie