Blogtations

Most of the decisions I've made have worked out okay in the end, largely due to the availability and low cost of penicillin.

~Cup O' Joe

There is an unspoken rule of the office restroom, which I believe is not limited to my own office building. When someone enters the restroom and one of the stalls is occupied and silent, this typically means the occupant is waiting for the intruder to leave before continuing with, um, her issues. The intruder therefore understands that she needs to finish her activities quickly or submit a silent challenge to the original occupant, the message being, "I don't care how tight your buns are. I'm waiting you out." Then, a period of stressed silence ensues, broken only by a goading warning cough or an "ahem" retort before someone flushes, thus throwing in her white towel, (or toilet tissue) and leaves the restroom...so the winner can proceed with her, you know, victory ceremony.

~Sprite's Keeper

Peoria has the audacity to call its airport 'international' because US Customs left a clipboard in the terminal one time.

~Get the Stink Off

(If William Shakespeare had been a blogger):
To blog, or not to blog, that is the question;
Whether it's cooler to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous commenting trolls,
Or to write posts against their slanderous lies,
And by opposing, end them. To delete, to sleep;
To sleep, to get keyprints deeply embedded on one's face.
Note to self: stop falling asleep at my desk.

~Of Cabbages and Kings

Dating is a lot like shopping, and if you don't make up a list of what you need ahead of time, you'll probably end up coming home with the wrong item.

~Ani Ram's Relationship Secrets

My three and a half year old has been wearing underwear for a year. But relieving herself in the toilet was only one step of potty-training. There are about 40 other steps that are conveniently skipped over in parenting books. The "transition from little potty chair to big potty" step. The "yes, you must flush every time you go potty" step. The "weening from potty-rewards step" (otherwise known as, "no, grown-ups don't get M&Ms for pooping" step.) The "privacy without locking yourself in the bathroom" step. The "not everyone wants to see your new Hello Kitty underwear" step. The "not discussing what mommy is doing in the toilet in public bathrooms" step.

~Pointlessly Hypertechnical

I have found the equivalent to legal crack...black tea. Holy mother of God. I think I have lost 5 pounds just from the heart palpitations.

~Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures

Tell me, how can I fall with the full force of my body, crack my head on solid concrete, and not have so much as even a tiny headache and YET when the shampoo bottle falls on my foot in the shower, the pain causes me to spew expletives that would make Tony Soprano blush AND I have a giant bruise on my foot for 3 weeks?

~I Do Things So You Don't Have To

Scrambled eggs take so much longer when you forget to turn the burner on.

~Four by 40

Never let your child use you to play "beauty parlor" with a toy hairdryer that has a functioning fan.

~Mindless Junque

Engineers really get a bad rep. Everybody makes us out to be pretty darn lame, but I don't think there is a single profession out there with more dirty jokes worked into the lingo...For example, take the term "partial penetration butt weld." Can anybody read that without having a flashback to junior high?

~Interstitial Life

I figured out a foolproof way to get a red light to change: start trying to send a text message.

~Christy the Writer

I object to raisins in cookies. They are just masquerading as chocolate chips to deceive the nearsighted.

~BiketoWork Barb

Accessories are like nipples. Two of 'em are totally cool but any more than that and you look ridiculous.

~The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy

FACT: Men somehow lose the ability to do anything right during their spouse's time of the month.

~Blogger Dad

Dear boys,
The Elmer's glue stick that I just purchased?
IS NOT CHAPSTICK.
Sincerely,
Your mother

~Loralee's Looney Tunes

Is it so wrong to get into my pajamas before my husband gets home from work giving him no indication that I've gotten dressed at all that day?

~Gray Matter Matters

Pre-pregnancy jeans are like virginity. There's no going back.

~May You Lead An Interesting Life

Possible Position Soon Available: Rebound Woman

Wanted: Attractive, educated, and good-humored woman who wears glasses, but takes them off in a sexy manner, who enjoys watching Flight of the Conchords and classic James Stewart movies, being felt up while baking cookies (no oatmeal cookie lovers need apply, large nipples preferable), and angry sex against the living room wall with a depressed, unpaid blogger until he overcomes the hurt of his recent past involvement and dumps you as you become emotionally involved with him, destroying your sense of self-worth and identity, and leaving you in debt, but giving you the satisfaction of knowing that you have helped another person move on to a more realistic and fulfilling relationship.

No benefits.

~Citizen of the Month

Having an orgasm is a fantastic way to spend 30 seconds.

~Gwen Alison Wonderland