Blogtations

Last week my husband and I were kissing passionately in bed. He tried to maneuver himself under me. "I don't want to be on top," I told him, "it hurts my hip." (sciatica) "But I don't want to be on top," he told me, "it hurts my elbow." (tendinitis) "WE ARE OLD," I told him.

~Blogging Dangerously

I opened my eyes to see her looking at me so intently. She was taking in every angle of my face as if trying to memorize every line. It took my breath away to realize how closely she watches me, how often she copies what I say or do, and how much we love each other. There is an incredible bond that exists between mothers and daughters.

She held my face in her hands for a few more seconds and gently said, "Mama?"

"Yes, baby?"

"You have a big hair growing out of your chin."

~Big Mama

Whenever I go barefoot in the house, my feet seem to be magically attracted to anything on the floor that shouldn't be there, like needles, thorns, teeny pieces of glass, staples...If something little is lost, I know all I need to do is take off my shoes, and I'll find it in no time. Who needs a metal detector when I have foot-radar?

~May You Lead An Interesting Life

I'm convinced toddler ears are tuned to a special frequency that allows them to hear the opening of a package of candy from anywhere in the house.

~Momma Says

Getting your husband to ask for directions to the Grand Canyon is like asking him to fork over his penis. Getting him to admit he's actually lost is like asking him to fork over his penis but not before sprinkling it with glitter, wrapping it up in a bright, red, shiny bow, placing it on a silver platter and presenting it to you while singing karaoke to Don't Cry For Me, Argentina.

~The Creative Junkie

Despite lingering economic woes, my forehead continues to pursue its aggressive expansion agenda. Analysts believe that the forehead's success is based on its ability to make infill acquisitions in areas that had previously been dominated by its main competitor, the hair group, which has been hit by massive layoffs.

~Cup O' Joe

Do you ever get the feeling your brain is curled up just rocking back and forth in a corner of your head, banging its frontal lobe on your skull, maybe moaning a little?

~Graze If You Want To, But Don't Eat Dirt

Tell me, how can I fall with the full force of my body, crack my head on solid concrete, and not have so much as even a tiny headache and YET when the shampoo bottle falls on my foot in the shower, the pain causes me to spew expletives that would make Tony Soprano blush AND I have a giant bruise on my foot for 3 weeks?

~I Do Things So You Don't Have To

Accessories are like nipples. Two of 'em are totally cool but any more than that and you look ridiculous.

~The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy

Did you ever notice how many things no one tells you about parenting before you have kids? I'm not talking about how you'll never sleep again. Plenty of people told me that. No, I mean the little things. For instance, no one ever told me that I would actually say things like, "You're not allowed to stick your finger in the dog's butt."

~Momo Fali

How can you not DIE...when your 3-year-old announces in a public bathroom that she can see the hairy stripe on your pagina.

~Cheaper Than Therapy

Teeth and nipples don't mix.

~Her Bad Mother

The gym gets a negative review today. There were no awesome butts on the stairmasters in front of me. When my heart is rattling along at 150 BPM and I'm making puddles of sweat on a 6 mile treadmill run, I am not a feminist. I need good asses.

~Black Hockey Jesus Reviews

One disadvantage of working from home. When I worked in an office never once did I have to get up from my desk to wipe someone’s butt. Not once.

~Sarah and the Goon Squad

Everything in Disney World is shaped like Mickey Mouse's head. Sandwiches, plates, pancakes. I was honestly afraid to ask for a tampon.

~The Bloggess

Had one of those tender verbal exchanges between husband and wife today. On our way back from church.. went a little something like this:

Me: So... honey do these pants look ok on me... you know, do they make my butt look big?
Him: No..but they do accentuate them.
Me: THEM!?!?!
Him: Huh?
Me: Is my butt soooo big you have to refer to it in plural? THEM?!?
Him: No.. well you know..cheeks.. oh dammit.

~The Blozulfog

500th Blogtation!

It has recently become glaringly apparent to me that blogging, unfortunately, is not a cardio-vascular activity. Imagine my chagrin. In fact, not only does writing not get your heart rate up and whittle your waistline, it appears that it can actually give you a big ol' blogger's butt. Or so I've heard.

~Baby Bloomr

My god, how I hate to shop for clothes. In the first place, I live in a desperately unstylish city. People here cling to the completely pointless and false notion that we are "outdoorsy" and "active" and enjoy "hiking" and "rock-climbing" and eating "gorp" and cooking over "campfires" and ... oh, sorry, for a minute there I thought I was Chris Farley. That's what happens when you're in a fitting room and see your ass in the three-way mirror. A person was not meant to look at her own ass. That's why it's in the back.

~Flurrious

I came close to being crushed to death this morning by my rolling bookcases. One of my senior citizen volunteers didn't realize I was in between them looking for a copy of Gossip Girl I knew I had stored somewhere, and started pushing the bookcases together. My shirt got snagged on the corner of the shelf and suddenly, very quickly, my face was crammed against a classroom set of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and my left ribs were crushed by an oversized atlas of North America...Finally I managed to rip myself free, twisting my ankle in the process...I haven't come that close to death since 2005, after a harrowing adventure in re-shelving books.

~Nancy Pearl Wannabe

Now that I am once again living with my old college roommate, I am finding the adage "Out of sight is out of mind" is alarmingly true. While we are both significantly cleaner and tidier that we were in our earlier twenties, we are still men. Full time management of a penis leaves only so much mental capacity for other trivialities like home economics.

~Dogs and Jeans