Blogtations

When I was in grade school I picked my nose and collected the boogers in my desk, at the end of the school year we needed to scrub down all the desks. It was gross. I quit picking my nose. Ok, fine, I didn't quit picking, but I quit saving the boogers.

~Insane Mama

My run-up went wrong (as usual) and I baulked at the last minute. I sailed over the stupid vault head-first horizontally and landed on my tummy on the crash mat. My body, obeying Newton's first law of motion, kept sailing forwards while my lycra leotard, bothered by its own frictional coefficient, remained where it first made contact with the rubbery surface of the mat. And the physicists wrote a new law involving Collective Attention being drawn to the Point of Exposed Breasts. Or something.

~Killing a Fly with a Ukulele is Probably the Wrong Thing To Do

I was thinking that my neighbors had been cooking something particularly stinky for dinner tonite and I was getting rather annoyed by the strength of the smell. Until I realized that the discomfiting stench was actually a piece of salmon that had fallen in my cleavage while I was eating my own dinner.

~Pilgrimsteps

I'm hoping someone can tell me why, for the love of God, I can't eat a piece of bread or a granola bar or anything producing crumbs without ending up with said crumbs in my bra, leaving me with itchy, crumb-y boobs that are as bad, if not worse, than the post-haircut hairy boobs. And by hairy boobs, I mean full of hair cut from my head, not Yeti-like nipples.

~Jonniker

If there is any place in the world where a person is likely to contract a rash, it would stand to reason it might be a place where it's a common practice to carry your Marlboro Lights in your cleavage.

~Big Mama

I am afraid of earrings. I have vivid hallucinations about them getting caught on something and causing my earlobes to rip open and spew gore everywhere.

~Manager Mom

My 3yo: "When all my teeth fall out then I'll be a grown up."

~To Think is to Create

Have you ever been at work, enjoying a nice snack of animal crackers while returning emails, finishing super fun reports, etc when you drop one of the crackers down into your cleavage? And then you push back your head to see how deep the little monkey has fallen, then pull your shirt from your chest and reach into to the depths to retrieve it? And then a new faculty member pops into your office to learn about health insurance options while your hand is very conspicuously rooting around between your boobs? Awesome.

~Bee-Spot

I have decided I need a boob job. When I lay on my back they fall to the sides and I am as flat as a 12 year old boy. I don't want them any bigger, I just want them to scoop the goop out, and fill it back up with something harder yet life like.

~Barefoot Foodie

Do not wear to yoga: Baggy t-shirt. For a very simple reason; a large number of yoga poses involve a version of standing on your head. When you stand on your head in a baggy t-shirt, your shirt falls over your face, and your belly hangs down. Not exactly the perfect scenario for true yoga enlightenment, relaxation, and ease—let me assure you.

~Absolutely Bananas

But really, what are scars but conversation pieces you never lose?

~Fat Cyclist

The first thing I did this morning after getting to work, was to Superglue my fingers to a plastic dinosaur. It was then that I knew today wasn't going to be one of my best.

~Killing a Fly with a Ukulele is Probably the Wrong Thing to Do

Will someone please tell me WHY I get more pimples at the age of 29 than I did at 13? At least at 13 I was PREPARED to be a pizza face, and actually had the TIME AND ENERGY to apply countless potions, gels, and acids in order to sizzle the zittles right out of my skin.

~Absolutely Bananas

Public Service Announcement: Under no circumstances should you apply Chapstick, lip balm, or any other ointment to your lips prior to cutting grass on a windy day.

~Nine Acres

One photo of my stretch marks could convince at least 50 girls out of going all the way prom night.

~Anne Nahm

Disease: Hat Head (Planopilicephaly)
Epidemiology: Sporadic cases throughout year; Seasonal peak in the months of May and June. No predilection for race or gender. Children are relatively protected from mass seasonal outbreaks.
Symptoms: Hair assumes flattened distorted shape after wearing popular head accessory. Pain is rare (aside from psychic/ego pain). Plagiocephaly (flattening of skull bones) usually does not occur unless a metal hat is worn (and put on with a sledgehammer). May be associated with Forehead Line and Bang Crush Injury.

~Where’s My Cape?

If you use the end of your retractable pen to scratch the itch between your boobs, make sure that it is indeed retracted.

~Schmutzie's Milk Money of Not, Here I Come

X-Rays were taken, tooth testing was done — because the whole row of teeth were hurting at this point — with dry ice, some hot welding tool, a piece of cotton that I cannot be entirely certain was not a tampon, and then for good measure they beat the hell out of them with that mirror thing that dentists don't leave home without.

~Mommas Tantrum

I will be the first to tell you if you have spinach in your teeth or if your zipper is down or if you have hair hanging out of your nose and you will love me and appreciate me for it.

~Living a Quotable Life

My head feels like it could implode at any moment, or maybe explode - I am not clear on which - but it hurts whatever 'ploding it is going to do.

~Mommas Tantrum (who can now be found here)