Most kids don't think about regurgital etiquette in the heat of the moment. Usually it's a barftacular mess. Puke on the sheets, puke on the floor, puke on the pajamas. There have been nights when my wife and I spent hours cleaning up chunks of meat sauce and pedialyte only to find ourselves gagging in tandem until the sun came up. I'm not sure what made the difference this time. I'm not sure what triggered that little inner voice in her head to say, "I'm gonna be a little debutante tonight and heave with dignity and grace. I'm gonna make my pappa proud." You know what? I couldn't care less why it happened. You don't question miracles. You take life's little gifts as they are handed to you and you savor them like gobstoppers or White Castle cheeseburgers.
My daughter is grounded, and it's way worse on me then on her, I do believe. Anyway, grounded from TV, the phone and video games, she is pretty bored and is spending all her time baking. And making marshmallow fondant, which I find inexplicably irresistible. I may have to unground her just to save my waistline.
First, mommy should under no circumstances fill a brightly colored cup with whipped cream, sugar, carmel, mocha, and coffee, drink about two-thirds of it, and then leave it within climbing distance. Second, you never, ever, ever want to be anywhere near a toddler that has drunk a third of a cup of coffee. Ever. Third, coffee is a fairly effective diarrhetic.
I ask, "What are your favorite foods?" He says, "I like cauliflower and broccoli. Yum!" I ask, "Then what are your least favorite foods?" With a scrunched up, icky look on his face, he replies, "Vegetables."
Things that I've learned about boxing gloves since taking them home to three boys ages 3, 5, and 7...A boxing glove is heavy enough to knock over and break expensive glass decor. The noise of glass breaking can be heard by a mother four rooms away with a blender on and NPR cranked loud enough to hear over the blender, or so it would seem.
My three and a half year old has been wearing underwear for a year. But relieving herself in the toilet was only one step of potty-training. There are about 40 other steps that are conveniently skipped over in parenting books. The "transition from little potty chair to big potty" step. The "yes, you must flush every time you go potty" step. The "weening from potty-rewards step" (otherwise known as, "no, grown-ups don't get M&Ms for pooping" step.) The "privacy without locking yourself in the bathroom" step. The "not everyone wants to see your new Hello Kitty underwear" step. The "not discussing what mommy is doing in the toilet in public bathrooms" step.
When my kids were younger, I read a horrifying "Q&A" about what to do if your kids walk into your room while you're having sex. My first reaction was "foster care for the children", but the advice, I swear on all that is holy, was "finish what you were doing and then calmly lead the child out of the room and explain the concept of privacy." Really? Because the way I see it, it's going to be hard for me to explain the concept of privacy with my head stuck in the oven.
TRANSLATION: "Seriously, woman, privacy and relaxation are sooooo overrated. Let me shower with you so that you have the added activity of trying to keep me upright while I slip on wet marble and my skin has the texture of a greased pig."
"Mommy," he said "I made you something at school today." "Oh really?" I asked "What is it?" "I can't tell you." he replied. "It is a surprise. For Christmas. For Christmas I made you a picture frame. I made a picture frame with a picture of me in it. Teacher Lisa took pictures of all the kids at my school and we made picture frames for our parents for Christmas, but it is a secret."
One of the best things about working as an aide in a second grade classroom is being with kids who are, for the most part, too young to be corrupt. When they say something inappropriate, it comes from a pure and innocent place. So, when the teacher asked for an example of a word with the "short i" sound, and a student raised his hand and said, "Tit"...shouldn't he get partial credit?
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