Blogtations

Why do the words "chauffeur" and "chaperon" sound so romantic and lovely with their whooshy 'sh' sounds? In actuality they are a steaming pile of parental nightmare chit.

~Pajamas and Coffee

Did you ever notice how many things no one tells you about parenting before you have kids? I'm not talking about how you'll never sleep again. Plenty of people told me that. No, I mean the little things. For instance, no one ever told me that I would actually say things like, "You're not allowed to stick your finger in the dog's butt."

~Momo Fali

One disadvantage of working from home. When I worked in an office never once did I have to get up from my desk to wipe someone’s butt. Not once.

~Sarah and the Goon Squad

I can't believe how many times I have uttered the phrase "Get your hands out of your pants" as a parent.

~The Benevolent Dictator

As a first-time parent, you will spend nearly half of your waking hours trying to figure out How To Make Things Okay with your child. Any number of things can cause your child to launch into a crying fit and it's your job to assess Why and What to do to resolve the issue as quickly as possible. The more frustrating the issue, such as uncontrollable out of the blue temper tantrums, the greater the joy when you resolve it. Perhaps you end a tantrum by playing Watch Daddy Dance With Underwear on His Head (not that I would ever do that). And maybe the Underwear Dance stops the tantrum cold and makes Everything Okay. Well, before you get too excited and start making a mental note of how to stop the tantrums with the Underwear Dance, you might want to think twice. What worked today, will not necessarily work tomorrow. In fact, I can almost guarantee you that it won't. Your child is just as likely to scream bloody murder the next time they see you don a pair of underwear on your head. (Not that I know from firsthand knowledge).

~Blogger Dad

We lie there like a mother dog with a heap of puppies and I enjoy it in brief moments. The moments are only brief because morning snuggles hurt. This morning I had one bony four-year-old elbow ground into my arm, several three-year-old kicks to my stomach, and a nineteen-pound toddler tried to stand on my neck. Parenting is dangerous.

~Toddled Dredge

Turdlets don't fall far from the ass.

~Queen of Shake-Shake

God maintains a special hell for parents who confess to feeding their children cupcakes for dinner.

~Breed 'Em and Weep

This morning brought yet another instance where I was astonished to hear the words coming out of my mouth, when I looked at my five year old son and said, "Don't play your drums with your banana peel."

~Momo Fali’s

We are still in the amoeba stage of parenthood, morphing, developing and irrefutably clueless. Every day as our little daughter discovers a new skill, we discover how to manage and contain her. Sure we strive to give her structure and consistency, we try to challenge her and offer many opportunities for growth and stimulation, but who are we kidding? We are pretty much glorified zoo keepers here.

~Adventures in the Pacific Northwest 

Whoever said that children don't come with a manual were so not kidding.

~Psychicgeek

Parenting is built around guesswork.

~Mama Tulip

Today I heard something I thought I longed to hear. "Go away, Mommy. I wanna play alone." It wasn't as great as I'd hoped.

~Mrs. Flinger 

I was delusional in thinking having children meant nothing had to change short of giving up alcohol and my dream of wanting to take up smoking. No. Not, really. But I did think I could carry on as if my children might be of the Just Add Water and Watch Them Grow, no-help-needed kind.

~Verry Sherry

Note to self: make sure your child is really excited about something before you travel 2 hours for it.

~Banana Blueberry

The Second Law of Domestic Dynamics - the Law of Parental Entropy - states that one's children will be demanding in inverse proportion to one's level of energy.

~Her Bad Mother

I've only seen glimpses of potty training in action: The dad who pulled out a miniature porta-potty on the sidewalk and let his son go to town, the mom who pointed her daughter to a nearby tree, the countless blog stories about besmeared walls and loud, endless pleas to "wipe me!" The truth is, it's so easy right now. There are days I wish I wore Sesame Street Pampers.

~Cry It Out: Adventures of a stay-at-home dad

Given the choice between hauling a floppy, resentful kid around the store or leaving him in an alarmed car parked in a shady spot with a ferocious-appearing dog at his side, though . . . nope, still can't feel good about that, sorry! Let's try it again when you're, say, fourteen, or you weigh 165 pounds, whichever comes last.

~Fussy

I'm being a good mom to difficult children. That's my special project that is changing their world.

~Adventures in Daily Living

Motherhood doesn't automatically come with the knowledge of how to clean up vomit.

~Ashley's Closet