Blogtations

Last week my husband and I were kissing passionately in bed. He tried to maneuver himself under me. "I don't want to be on top," I told him, "it hurts my hip." (sciatica) "But I don't want to be on top," he told me, "it hurts my elbow." (tendinitis) "WE ARE OLD," I told him.

~Blogging Dangerously

When you've been married for almost 10 years you know that when your husband asks you to be on top so he can watch you what he really means is he's feeling lazy and his belly's full of chips and salsa.

~Yellow Trash Diaries

Having an orgasm is a fantastic way to spend 30 seconds.

~Gwen Alison Wonderland

I'd like to say I'll have 3 times as much sex in 2009 as I did in 2008 but my elementary math skills tell me that 3 times 0 is still, sadly, 0.

~Secondhand Tryptophan

When my kids were younger, I read a horrifying "Q&A" about what to do if your kids walk into your room while you're having sex. My first reaction was "foster care for the children", but the advice, I swear on all that is holy, was "finish what you were doing and then calmly lead the child out of the room and explain the concept of privacy." Really? Because the way I see it, it's going to be hard for me to explain the concept of privacy with my head stuck in the oven.

~Motherhood in NYC

If you ever, say, challenge your spouse to a "let's see if we can have sex before the oven timer goes off," be sure you tell people it was a pot-roast, not a batch of cookies.

~Mrs. Flinger

I must accept the reality that I am NOT currently a sex goddess. The Evidence: The only thing in the bedroom that I've dominated and whipped recently is the TV remote.

~Wit's Bitch

Seeing pictures of yourself running is like seeing pics of yourself having sex. After getting past the initial shock of your flailing limbs and contorted expressions and realizing 'Holy shit, that's what I look like? And other people see it?' then you'll start to critique your form and wonder how you manage to do either with any type of success. I could personally use "I don't know what to do with my hands" as a caption for both sets of snaps.

~The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy

Here is the thing, son. I need to find a way to explain this so you will understand why it's important to knock. So, I'll be blunt. A lot of the time that Mom and Dad are in their bedroom, they are NAKED. Not only NAKED, but Mom and Dad also like to KISS while NAKED. We like to KISS NAKED A LOT. If you are going to keep barging into our room without knocking, I need to let you know that there is a very good possibility that you are going to see a lot of NAKED KISSING. Unless you knock. Then we have time to not be NAKED and stop KISSING.

~Loralee's Looney Tunes

For many women, especially after kids, they have about as much interest in sex as men have in watching an Oprah marathon while getting their man parts waxed.

~My So-Called Sex Life

Bedroom Secrets of the Suburban Dad...You think it's hard to pick up a woman in a bar? Puh-leeze. These guys have to convince a woman who has fallen asleep in her clothes reading Thomas the Tank Engine stories that what she really wants right now is some midnight romance under the giant pile of laundry covering the master bed.

~Suburban Kamikaze

Laughter, orgasms, and ice-cream are the best guarantees of happiness.

~Crouton Boy

The "Was it good for you?" type of question annoys me to no end. First, if he's paying attention, he already knows the answer. Second, if he has to ask the question, chances are he isn't going to like the answer. Third, if you ask me that question, I'm going to assume you really want to know the answer and I'm going to give it to you.

~It's Hard Work Being This Easy

I like Piña Coladas, and getting caught in the rain, but not making love at midnight. Hey, I have three little kids, I can't just be putting out at all hours of the day and night.

~Paper Napkin

Sex tonight? That would be nice, but isn't it time to pick up the kids from soccer, drop them off at girl scouts and then go to the grocery store? Oh yeah. Then we have to check the kids' homework, pack lunches and fold laundry. Maybe tomorrow night.

~Believer in Balance

A Wedding is not a Marriage 101 - session includes lectures from couples married ten or more years and currently withholding sex from one another because the sound of the other's voice is unacceptable. Also scheduled to appear: couples in their 17th honeymoon faze (sign up quick for this lecture because it is extremely brief! There is also a chance that it will be canceled. Choose alternate elective as a back up.)

~Vintage Thirty

I am fanatical about changing sheets. Always on Monday and oftentimes an additional 1-2 times per week. This is why I will never have sex on Mondays (unless we are out-of-town)...I want at least ONE night with perfectly clean, crisp sheets.

~The Queen Mum

I find that when someone will be sharing your room for the next seven days, it is always nice when the first thing you hear about them is a story about them having sex in a big bin. It pretty much guarantees that you will not be the weirdest person in the room at any point in the holiday. You can also safely assume that you will not be targeting the same sort of women when out in the resort's nightclubs. He could go for the ones that do it in bins and I could stick to looking for women willing to have sex in seedy motels and Multi-Purpose Vehicles.

~Mr. Angry

I have been horny. This isn't like the horniness you feel when your body temperature rises by half a degree and you need to pull out your knitting to distract yourself. I'm talking about how you feel when you get home from work, close the door, open your window, howl wildly into the lonely night, tear off your clothes, run around the room breaking things with your head, throw a raw steak in the middle of your floor, and then get down on your knees to eat it – sans hands. Then you hold your open hands up to the heavens above, with bloody rivulets from the steak running down your forearms, and you give a grunt of thanks to Ba'al – the god of rain, thunder, and fertility. We've all been there.

~123 I Love You