These days it feels like I now have the ability to gain weight by osmosis. I have to run down the cake aisle in the supermarket for fear of having my cells expand just by breathing in too deeply near the chocolate muffins.
Ya know what, Target guy, I know I look like a crazy person pushing a cart of screaming boys, wearing a black turtleneck sweater, red booty shorts with "HO HO HO" on the butt, and black boots with knee high Hello Kitty socks, but listen to me, look into my eyes, if you don't go in the back and tell me if you have toddler size 8 Lightning McQueen crocs to replace the ones the pug ate this morning, I will rip your beating heart from your chest rightfuckingnow go, go, GO!
My god, how I hate to shop for clothes. In the first place, I live in a desperately unstylish city. People here cling to the completely pointless and false notion that we are "outdoorsy" and "active" and enjoy "hiking" and "rock-climbing" and eating "gorp" and cooking over "campfires" and ... oh, sorry, for a minute there I thought I was Chris Farley. That's what happens when you're in a fitting room and see your ass in the three-way mirror. A person was not meant to look at her own ass. That's why it's in the back.
Shopping for jeans is not for sissies. I spent one and a half hours yesterday trying on thirty pairs of jeans to find one that fit. Yes, thir-TEE! If jeans shopping were an Olympic event, I'd have won a gold medal.
I walk into the new Verizon store...and I am met at the door by a greeter!! Seriously...a greeter, and not a nice friendly retired person like WalMart...no this is a line backer looking woman with an attitude.
I was innocently doing my grocery shopping and I turned down the chip aisle, heading straight for the Doritos. Suddenly, I was gasping, coughing, and my eyes began to water. I had just walked into someone else's fart cloud. There were three or four people further down the aisle in front of me, none of whom were looking particularly guilty. Worse, there were two people coming up behind me. Damn the Doritos! Full speed ahead! I didn’t want them to think I did it!
You think shopping with your significant other will be all cozy cups of hot chocolate, admiring the Macy's window displays arm in arm, offering confident advice in kitchen supply stores. Instead, you end up screaming at each other outside the mall, while the homeless people hit you up for change.
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