Blogtations

I come from a family of breeders. A group of people so f*&%ing fertile that pregnancy is the only successful form of contraception they know.

~Xbox4NappyRash

I use my chopsticks with as much skill as a walrus.

~A Girl and a Boy

My last few days have been wrecked by a gruesome combination of the flu, bronchitis and insomnia. I can’t sleep. I can't sing. And I've taken to mainlining Diet Dr Pepper.

~Chicken Fried Therapy

I was delusional in thinking having children meant nothing had to change short of giving up alcohol and my dream of wanting to take up smoking. No. Not, really. But I did think I could carry on as if my children might be of the Just Add Water and Watch Them Grow, no-help-needed kind.

~Verry Sherry

Bad coffee is better than no coffee.

~Living a Quotable Life

My imaginary cleaning lady is usually here every Saturday, but this weekend I was busy imagining a vacation in Cuacao with my cabana boy, Hans, so I didn't have time to imagine a tidy house.

~Halushki

I punished the world for making me work by wearing corduroys, sneakers, and NO MAKEUP. Oy, the blotchy skin tone and the red-rimmed eyes and middle-aged frumpiness. TAKE THAT, WORLD!

~Miz S

He just, you know, has the memory of a colander.

~Plain Jane

My favorite pastime: sleep. My favorite color: sleep. My favorite smell: sleep.

~Imaginary Binky

I am not a fan of shoes. I do not buy tons of shoes, collect them, pet them, and give them names. Manolo who? Gucci what? Isn't that what Charo used to say? Gucci Gucci!

~Imaginary Binky

I'm still upset that I never had a Snoopy Snowcone Maker.

~Imaginary Binky

It's amazing how much laundry can pile up and how odd my outfits become when we ignore washing our clothes for, say, 2 years.

~Imaginary Binky

My first car was a Yugo. Go ahead, I'll wait for you to stop laughing.

~Imaginary Binky

When I was twenty-five, I became a bit obsessive about showering a lot, so I held experiments in multi-tasking while in the shower. One day, when I was drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, and reading a magazine through the clear shower curtain, it hit me that I might have a problem.

~Schmutzie's Milkmoney or Not, Here I Come

You can't steal what is given freely.

~Zen Habits

I like gummy bears, but don't you feel like we'll find out someday that they're really made of plastic and that they just sit in a ball in your stomach and you never really digest them? And that eventually we'll all give birth to an eight pound gummy baby?

~The Cupcake Tent

Never agree to play strip poker if you are so drunk that you think you are about to play black jack.

~Invading Holland

One thing about losing that walking cane and limping along instead is that people no longer look me in the eye. They are afraid that I may have some sort of mangled, shriveled up appendage under the denim of my jeans and to stare would be rude. I feel like wearing a sign that says, "Accidental Owner of Plate and Six Screws. Don't Worry, It's Not Contagious!" but I can't bring myself to put the word "screw" and "contagious" on the same sign and wear it around my neck!

~Becca's Fresh Fruit

Everyone knows that, if you want to give a child an exciting horticultural experience, have them plant a bean seed—because they sprout in a week and are a hardy plant. Not here. My garden is the kiss of death to a seed which millions of kindergartners have successfully sprouted before they ever learned how to read.

~Whine Country

Platitudes do not shoes on the baby put.

~One Swell Foop