Blogtations

I am 34 years old

I am 34 years old. I have been wearing mascara for roughly 20 years now. I would say I apply mascara at least 360 days of the year. That allows for 72,000 mascara applications (I'm not even counting the days when I reapply or go out at night and put it on twice in one day). I would think that this would be enough applications that I am able to do it without poking myself in the eye with the mascara wand. I would be wrong to think that.

~Be Careful What You Wish For

Never let your child use you

Never let your child use you to play "beauty parlor" with a toy hairdryer that has a functioning fan.

~Mindless Junque

If while showering

If - while showering - you find you are standing in ankle-deep water, simply reach down and pull the accumulation of your own hair from the top of the drain. Once you have done so, do not leave the giant hairball in the corner of the tub, causing your mother's fear of small rodents to be activated upon entering your bathroom.

~A Mom on Spin

In the middle of defending your territory and your naked body

Have you ever looked up at the ceiling while in the shower only to see what looks like a tiny spider crawling towards you from the other side of the room? Have you ever prepared yourself, shower nozzle in hand, to blast that tiny spider from the sanctity of your lair into kingdom come with the water jet set to pulsate? Have you ever let loose a battle cry of, "sheet rock and subfloor be damned!" as you prepared to take aim by crouching in the farthest corner of the shower? Have you ever realized, in the middle of defending your territory and your naked body, that the said "spider" was really just a lady bug? Have you ever had a conversation with a lady bug that was all, "Oh hello Mrs. Lady Bug-I hope thee are well today my fair maiden!"

~Milk Induced Coma

Chah-wah, mama?

"Mama. Chah-wah? Chah-wah, mama?"

TRANSLATION: "Seriously, woman, privacy and relaxation are sooooo overrated. Let me shower with you so that you have the added activity of trying to keep me upright while I slip on wet marble and my skin has the texture of a greased pig."

~Maternal Mirth

No more Web cosmetics purchases

Note to self: No more Web cosmetics purchases. I can't believe you didn't learn your lesson after the Japanese electric eyelash-curler incident. And the "earthy" perfume incident. And the navy-blue mascara incident. And the iridescent-body-glitter incident. And the I-just-baked-a-cake-on-my-face foundation incident. And the lipstick-that-made-you-look-like-that-dude-from-The-Cure incident. New rule: you are not allowed to buy anything while sitting down.

~Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder

Note to Self

Note to Self: Do NOT get a bikini wax from someone who just found out her boyfriend is sleeping with someone else.

~I Found a Fatal Flaw in the Logic of Love

At what time is it appropriate to say

At what time is it appropriate to say, "There's no point showering today, I'll just catch one tomorrow"?

~Ice Cream Mama

Even though the hair-wax stick

Note to Self: Even though the hair-wax stick and the deodorant stick are exactly the same size and shape, they produce very different results.

~Therapy in the Making

When I was twenty-five, I became a bit obsessive about showering a lot, so I held experiments in multi-tasking while in the shower. One day, when I was drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, and reading a magazine through the clear shower curtain, it hit me that I might have a problem.

~Schmutzie's Milkmoney or Not, Here I Come

I should've known when I put the lid to my deodorant on my perfume bottle and the lid to my perfume on my deodorant, that today was not going to be my "best ever."

~Third Times a Charm?

The Number One thing I don't want to hear my girlfriend say while she's waxing my eyebrows: "Whoops!"

~Suburban Lesbian