Blogtations

My overarching coaching goal

My overarching coaching goal for this season would be simple: Perfect a dance that would bring frequent, violent lightning storms every Saturday morning so our games would be canceled.

~Always Home and Uncool

My run-up went wrong as usual

My run-up went wrong (as usual) and I baulked at the last minute. I sailed over the stupid vault head-first horizontally and landed on my tummy on the crash mat. My body, obeying Newton's first law of motion, kept sailing forwards while my lycra leotard, bothered by its own frictional coefficient, remained where it first made contact with the rubbery surface of the mat. And the physicists wrote a new law involving Collective Attention being drawn to the Point of Exposed Breasts. Or something.

~Killing a Fly with a Ukulele is Probably the Wrong Thing To Do

I have to fall asleep to ESPN News. This is one of many reasons why my husband is the luckiest man in the world. How many wives have to have sports on to go to bed?

~Amy's Brat Pack

If you can flip yourself into the air and execute a triple somersault before landing effortlessly in a split, WHY on earth would you follow such a thing with rolling around on the mat while doing little fluttery hand movements that cause me to wonder if you're covered with fire ants…?

~Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Blogging from a Blackberry in a moving car should be an Olympic sport.

~Momisodes

On two occasions I have made catastrophic errors in coordinating important life events with important athletic events. I married Hot Wife in late October, right in the middle of the World Series, which contractually obligates me to miss an important game in the Series because I have to take her out and actually, like, talk to her and shit. I also agreed to conceive a daughter whose birthday falls right at the juicy part of March Madness. Not smart, Danny.

~Dad Gone Mad

Do not try to get control of your household's sole television by promising your kids it will be showing "cowboys" and "giants." There will only be disappointment and tears.

~Looky, Daddy!